Oooooooooooooooooh! What's this?! Hot women! Violence! Blood! Action! What more can you ask for, right? Well, there's plenty to ask for after I saw the film MACHETE. I, along with every Danny Trejo/Robert Rodriguez fan was super stoked to see this classic Grindhouse Trailer. I couldn't wait to see what crazy shenanigans Rodriguez was going to come up with. What I didn't expect was the disappointment I felt when I left the theater. Something about this film just didn't sit well with me. It felt rushed, incomplete and really scattered.I felt there was something missing in the storyline. The action was great and what you would expect from a Rodriguez film, but the story suffered. Although the film is of the exploitation genre, I believe this gives the director a bigger canvas to paint on because there are no boundaries when it comes to exploitation films.
There were ingredients in the film that were great such as the numerous cameos made by cast members of the original Grindhouse flick Planet Terror. It was awesome seeing the familiar faces such as the Avellan sisters who kick ass in this film as they did in Grindhouse, but that didn't distract me long enough from the fact that there was something missing.
The writing was definitely lacking the power of what the director is capable. I felt that they were trying to cash in on ultra-cool lines like you would expect from this type of film. I felt they were trying too hard to capture that awesome moment in Once Upon a Time in Mexico between Johnny Depp and Danny Trejo where the famous phrase "Are you a Mexi-can or a Mexi-can't?" was born. Maybe the actors didn't have the right amount of cool to deliver these over the top phrases.
That brings me to another point about the film that bothered me.The casting, for the most part, was great. Michelle Rodriguez nailed it as SHE, a female revolutionary icon to the people in support of the movement. She was very sexy in that leather outfit and eye patch I must say, but that still didn't stop me from not liking the movie. This film had so much potential for greatness, but I feel the filmmakers didn't use what they had to their full potential. I mean, you've got Robert De Niro, Don Johnson, Cheech Marin, Tom Savini for christ's sakes and I didn't like it?! There must be something wrong here! Oh yeah, I forgot, Fucking Lindsay Lohan showed up pretty much as her usual cracked-out, shit-don't-stink attitude and made the film worse for me. Yeah, she was 'naked' and cursing and smoking and shooting guns, but did that contribute anything to the film? NO! She has no purpose in this film. The nudity of her character isn't even her own! It's the body of the original actress in the original trailer. The only time there is even an ounce of nudity on her behalf, she's covering the goods with her shitty-bleached-out hair. Her acting is horrendous, even for Lindsay Lohan, yeah, I'm being a Mean Girl. Fuck You Lohan! I hate how that was the main focus of this film when she didn't contribute shit!Everyone was making a big fucking deal that she was going to kick ass and be naked and what not. Bullshit. The GOOD nudity was contributed by Mayra Leal in the beginning of the film and she kicked ass, literally, all while wearing her birthday suit. Seeing her kicking ass in the buff during those first few minutes of the film had be ready to be rocked off my socks, but in the end I was left feeling cheated.You know the film doesn't make an impression on me when there's a killer cast, violence, blood, humor and action and it leaves me pissed off. Although this was an exploitation flick, I still wanted more.
So, if you want to save money, i would recommend seeing MACHETE at a dollar theater or wait to Netflix it. I think they should have just left this film alone and let it exist as a fake trailer that was legendary in its own right.
MACHETE RED BAND TRAILER
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